I wake up, you make me cry. I forget something, you make me cry. I can’t do something properly, you make me cry. I feel alone, you make me cry. I push everyone away, I don’t trust people the same, I feel like everyone I get close to is going to leave me because of you. I feel worthless, it’s you, it’s you that makes me like this. Why can’t you get any better or go away for even a few hours, just so I can feel ‘normal‘ even for a little while.
Everyday is a struggle and no-one even knows about you. People who do know about you, they tell me to let everyone know and they can help you and I. Why I can’t bring myself to tell anyone else is that when I told those who do know about you, is because it tore me apart from the very bottom of my heart it felt like it was ripped out over and over, I’m getting judged all of the time, because of you. I feel even more worthless. Every doctor’s appointment, every new medication, every new health advisor, everything. It’s too much.
If I can’t understand why I get nervous and anxious about something, how is anyone else expected to understand it?
I try to do everything possible that I can, but it’s all too much, to even walk about in public and not to take a panic attack, that’s only one of the ‘worst things‘ ..I wouldn’t even say there’s a ‘worst thing’ about it anymore because, for me it’s just a living nightmare everyday of my life.
It’s like.. inside my mind, I’m done. Emotionally, I’m totally drained. But physically, I smile. I don’t want people to know that you’re there in my head, the loudest voice I can hear, is always you.
You are terrible thing. I could be having a panic attack and no-one would even know, because you are an inward thing, you make me feel like I’m malfunctioning and I can’t process my own thoughts, I get knots in my stomachs I feel like I can’t breathe, I freak out more, you are a vicious circle of nothing but hurt. You destroyed me the first time you happened, but you keep happening?
Do you want me to be alone? Do you want me to be upset all the time? Do you want me to hurt myself because of you and how you make me feel? Do you actually want me to die one of these days?
You, you are anxiety, you try to ruin my life every chance you get, you don’t get better by mindfulness classes, talking to health professionals, different medication, no you really, really don’t, but you anxiety, YOU need to be heard.
Talking out is one of the hardest things to do when you have anxiety, but it’s really important to talk about your thoughts and feelings. It doesn’t have to be any health professionals, even just a friendly face will make all the difference to yourself and your mindset. Really it does take a big weight off your shoulders if it all gets too much.
Keep safe and love YOURSELF.
Lots of love,